can't have both

wanting thoughts that aren't so gray,
needing more than wanting to you.

tempted, intrigued,
immersed in youth and blame.
i don't trust you. i don't trust him.
i can't feel him like i feel you.

but restoration isn't yours.
and you don't know my soul.
he, however, will win this war. and i,
though growing more uncertain,
somehow know i'm in his hands.

both i want, both will break me.
neither one i trust completely.

one must fall, and one must reign. yet
any light remaining within is wavering.

back and forth, back and forth
i've gone and keep on going,
knowing what i want is complicating
everything i thought i knew.

emotions slowly overtake my sight of him;
past devotion overwhelms my desire for you.

holy hill

down this holy hill you roll
faster, faster as you go
you don’t know why you’re falling from the Lord.
all this fighting seems in vain
even praying is a game
you don’t know why you’re hiding from the Lord.

through this valley you are walking
talking about how you love the darkness
you don’t want to return to the Lord.
into longings so unsure, you
chase after heart break and pleasure
you just can’t see your need for the Lord.

on that holy hill you stood
crying, crying at the foot
of the one who gives life and restores.
now you spit upon his face
rejecting love, mercy and grace
you are screaming “crucify the Lord!”

going back up to the cross
you will understand the cost
the Lord will rejoice when you come back home.
but even as you stand here in
your pain and pride and ignorance
he still loves you and calls you to his throne.
he still wants you and will bring you home.