can't have both

wanting thoughts that aren't so gray,
needing more than wanting to you.

tempted, intrigued,
immersed in youth and blame.
i don't trust you. i don't trust him.
i can't feel him like i feel you.

but restoration isn't yours.
and you don't know my soul.
he, however, will win this war. and i,
though growing more uncertain,
somehow know i'm in his hands.

both i want, both will break me.
neither one i trust completely.

one must fall, and one must reign. yet
any light remaining within is wavering.

back and forth, back and forth
i've gone and keep on going,
knowing what i want is complicating
everything i thought i knew.

emotions slowly overtake my sight of him;
past devotion overwhelms my desire for you.