Commitment—I run from it. I try to come to the conclusion that investing just isn't worth it. Betrayed by myself and the occasional friend... time and time again, which should be proof enough for me to want to unstick my heart from every sad situation—past, present, future—and take myself out of the equation of pain, disappointment and failure. No risk, no loss. Right?
But then there's you. This invisible, beautiful being of conviction that I can't help but listen to and long to follow. But following through with anything is, for me, a door jammed shut. I've tried the key, but it's no use. I've tried hitting and pushing and kicking the door, but still: no success. It's like there's super glue holding it closed, and opening the door with my own strength just isn't working. Perhaps burning the door down would work? Or chopping through it with an ax? No—I can't do that. I wouldn't want to destroy it; I want to be able to shut the door again if I don't like what's on the other side.
Destroy it.
No. Did you not hear me? I can't destroy the door.
It's all or nothing. Commit to me, give me all of you... or turn around and walk away.
But, but... how do I... know I can trust you? I don't want to trust in something that will just let me down in the end. Been there, done that.
Have I ever let you down?
Well... no, not you personally. But there's a first time for everything, and... and the risk of giving everything I have to you is just too great. I'll look like a absolute fool if you turn out to not be who you say you are.
You're right, the risk is great. But is not trusting me worth the risk of never being free? Of never being fully satisfied or finding peace? Of feeling lost and alone and unsure all the days of your life? Is that really the way you desire to live?
Well when you put it that way, I guess following you does sound like a better option.
Destroy the door. Come, follow me.
But I don't know if I can commit to committing to you! I can't do it. I can't.
Don't you remember? Years ago you committed to following me, trusting me, loving me. Why do you doubt now?
I know. I remember. But that was a long time ago and I just... I don't know. Things change.
Have I changed?
No, you haven't. You've always been there for me. You just don't seem like enough anymore.
I've given you everything I have—I gave up my life so you would never have to be alone again. Why am I still not enough for you? What more could you possibly want that is better than what you've already been given?
I... I... I don't know.
I am yours, beloved. You have my life and you hold my love in your heart. Choose me, for I have already chosen to be with you.
I do want to choose you, but this door—I just can't open it!
Destroy it.
I can't.
Destroy it.
Come, trust me. Follow me.
4 comments:
I can't believe I haven't read this before. You should have made me. This conversation is exactly what I have been going through for the past year. We can do it together Jessie. We struggle with so much of the same things. I am so encouraged that God brought us together to be friends. I know He saw that we can and will help each other through this struggle. I love you Jessie friend.
wow I had forgotten about this! wow. I feel like God has brought me through so much of the doubt and frustration I've had in the past, yet at the same time... I haven't moved a muscle.
I'm so glad to have you, too, friend. Sometimes it really seems odd that we are friends... so different, yet so much the same. weird. But I do love you and want to grow with you and seek God with you... and challenge each other to not give up in the apathy or despair. but to press on.
i love you so much, stepharoo! Thank you for understanding me and walking beside me. :)
wow, i now feel compelled to tell you how beautiful i find all of that to be but at the same time i know that the words required either don't exist yet or have been lost. that sounds cheesy but, yeah. it struck a chord. just thought you should know Jessie.
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