goodnight, drama.

i will leave you now so i can dream and breathe in my own world of wants. subconscious can be dangerous, releasing fears, flaws, chaos, lust. where lies and tigers roam around—why is their silence so loud?! everything moves slower. every thought or memory so eloquently rolls together. i realize dreams are momentary; length and depth indeed may vary. but alas, i need a break... from real life's consequences and mistakes. tomorrow is new and it's where i'll be when my sleep is woken out of me.

no more middle.

I choose the hard way, the right way. I'm done with indecisive. I'm over being comfortable. I'm through with living in fear of letting people down. The weight is too much, it's unnecessary. The point of my life is to live, to feel, to be, to grow. So that is what I'll do. Keep moving forward though I may not always be certain I am right. I'm giving up my self-dependence and giving in to grace. Here goes everything...

To Have & To Hold.

Commitment—I run from it. I try to come to the conclusion that investing just isn't worth it. Betrayed by myself and the occasional friend... time and time again, which should be proof enough for me to want to unstick my heart from every sad situation—past, present, future—and take myself out of the equation of pain, disappointment and failure. No risk, no loss. Right?

But then there's you. This invisible, beautiful being of conviction that I can't help but listen to and long to follow. But following through with anything is, for me, a door jammed shut. I've tried the key, but it's no use. I've tried hitting and pushing and kicking the door, but still: no success. It's like there's super glue holding it closed, and opening the door with my own strength just isn't working. Perhaps burning the door down would work? Or chopping through it with an ax? No—I can't do that. I wouldn't want to destroy it; I want to be able to shut the door again if I don't like what's on the other side.


Destroy it.

No. Did you not hear me? I can't destroy the door.

It's all or nothing. Commit to me, give me all of you... or turn around and walk away.

But, but... how do I... know I can trust you? I don't want to trust in something that will just let me down in the end. Been there, done that.

Have I ever let you down?

Well... no, not you personally. But there's a first time for everything, and... and the risk of giving everything I have to you is just too great. I'll look like a absolute fool if you turn out to not be who you say you are.

You're right, the risk is great. But is not trusting me worth the risk of never being free? Of never being fully satisfied or finding peace? Of feeling lost and alone and unsure all the days of your life? Is that really the way you desire to live?

Well when you put it that way, I guess following you does sound like a better option.

Destroy the door. Come, follow me.

But I don't know if I can commit to committing to you! I can't do it. I can't.

Don't you remember? Years ago you committed to following me, trusting me, loving me. Why do you doubt now?

I know. I remember. But that was a long time ago and I just... I don't know. Things change.

Have I changed?

No, you haven't. You've always been there for me. You just don't seem like enough anymore.

I've given you everything I have—I gave up my life so you would never have to be alone again. Why am I still not enough for you? What more could you possibly want that is better than what you've already been given?

I... I... I don't know.

I am yours, beloved. You have my life and you hold my love in your heart. Choose me, for I have already chosen to be with you.

I do want to choose you, but this door—I just can't open it!

Destroy it.

I can't.

Destroy it.
Come, trust me. Follow me.

just a thought.

the human heart: such a gift, such a weapon, so prone to love. such a vulnerable muscle so quickly broken, so easily stolen, yet hardly spoken of.

tangentry.

what a sideways way of life we live. we give to others only to take on more glory for ourselves—how foolish this is! our wealth will only lead us to poverty. and the probability of happiness is low. oh, what is the fate of our souls? only God knows. you don't need eyes to see how much we throw away with every breath, every step we take. we celebrate when we're high, and discriminate when we're sinking down. round and round we go. elevating our beliefs above what we believe in. nothing is more harmful than a hardened heart. but what if we leave in the past all the things that have been carved into us? if we are trees, let us grow. we all have shadows that seem like fetters, but there is a better side of life, for we are set free when we identify with the light. wrong or right, love is love. and no one judges a brother for reaching out. just watch out that we're not reaching down out of guilt or pride, for our good deeds shall wilt as we will stand wide-eyed, wondering how it came to be that we lost everything. oh, oh, oh where have i gone but on another tangent. i haven't any idea of the point i'm trying to make. but this isn't a beauty pageant, and i'm not here to be fake or liked. just trying to sort out the ins and outs of me—all the truths and the fibs i've come to see and well, i can't go on and on all night, so i'll leave it at this:
it is a sideways way of life we live.

rethinking inspiration.

and perhaps, inspiration does not flourish from detailed visions or vivid dreams that have been carefully planned out. Perhaps, inspiration comes from the sudden spark of excitement that ignites the soul when a reflection of something uncertain, yet magnificent, is seen as a possibility.

discontinuum.

a little found, a little lost;
i go a little ways, then stop.
looking back looks so good, feels so good.
but oh, how i miss the memories
and wish the melodies could carry away the sadness that comes
when i realize those days
were some of the best rays of sunshine
lighting up my life.
all those nights of laughing, talking, fighting, walking, driving, smiling.
come back, old times,
let me relive you.
let me give you a second chance,
then maybe you wouldn't go by so fast.
regrets? i do not have many.
i just hate how empty i feel when my past is no longer my reality,
even though it was real.
reality is here and now.
it's so hard to embrace it,
but i have to face it somehow.
looking back on all the beauty of the past—
it's so easy to get lost, but alas,
what's ahead is beckoning me;
and i'm reckoning the cost of letting go.
opening my hands, and giving up what is gone.
finally
extinguishing
what i've kept aglow for so,
so long.

win & lose.

if you want win, you have to be willing to risk. and you can't risk unless you're willing to lose, knowing that in the end, even though you may indeed suffer loss, whatever is gained far outweighs whatever it is that could be lost along the way.

night

the night's falling out of the sky right in front of my eyes—i hate goodbyes, you know this. we can't live together and stay alive, i know this. green light means go, but where do i go? i'm lost without you leading the way. i'm fake and empty and bleeding gray. no color left inside me when i leave your side. the lies in my lungs are replacing the oxygen, again i don't move 'cause i'm scared to. i pray for safety even though you've saved me. oh, what do i do with a reckless mind. all i can do is stare up at the sky falling into the night right above me.

big.

a little hurt, a little scared. a little angry, a little unprepared. a little sad, a little shy. a little bold, a little high. a little empty, a little naive. a little happy, a little relieved. a little dirty, a little cold. a little tired, a little old. so many little things in me, yet so, so big the Lord will always be.

fight

i put up a fight—kicked, screamed and cried. my heart threw up words as my tongue came untied. the blame wasn't mine, so i didn't dare claim it. love came with a price; was this just a payment? my eyes fluttered round and round in vain as if they were butterflies—confused and caged. i grew tired of talking and sick of your silence. so i left, walking out with fists full of defiance.

temple.

pointed fingers, all accusing.
pain that lingers, starts abusing.
i'm the center, i'm at fault.
this isn't what i wanted at all.

i thought the right was what i did,
but surprise, surprise,
i was misled.
oh the days that led to years,
which ended in a married mess.
and now i wish i'd listened to
the fears inside my chest.

maybe all i'm afraid of is me—
a temple full of judges judging me.
All the while, everyone is happy
because I'm happy.
and that's all everyone ever wanted, right?
so there's no need to fight these inward feelings
of wanting to be something with someone someday.
but for now, i'll close my eyes and simply say
goodnight.

this i know.

Sometimes, the most restoring moments of forgiveness are the ones in which the words "I'm sorry" aren't even said.


A terrified breath left my lungs while my tongue went up and down, hitting the roof of my mouth, and the hours and hours of spinning thoughts came spitting out.


"I hate who I am

when I'm without you.

I hate that I walked away

from you.

I hate that I hated

you.

Because

I don't know who I am

when I'm without you.

I don't have any place to go

where I don't see you.

And I don't know what love is

without you."

__________________________________________

Sometimes the most significant moments of acceptance are the ones in which the words "I love you" aren't even said.


A final breath left your lungs as you were hung up and nailed down, bleeding from hands, feet, head, and mouth, and the hours and hours of heartbreaking beatings came teeming out.

Oh, how you suffered and hurt

for me.

Oh, your heart, how it burns

for me.

Oh, how you died and rose

for me.

Oh, your love, how it flows

for me.

And

Oh, how I'll suffer and hurt

for you.

Oh, my heart, how it burns

for you.

Oh, how I'll die and rise

for you.

Oh, my love, how it grows

for you.

Oh, how I'm forgiven and
oh, how I'm loved

because of you.

one hundred [+ eleven] words.

influenced.
shy.
dark.
intimidate.
blessing.
valor.
candid.
uplifted.
hell.
sunrise.
monday.
six.
rattle.
vagabond.
twisted.
was.
timber.
polluted.
advertise.
beseech.
allowed.
louder.
fun.
grotesque.
exquisite.
monkey.
love.
sundress.
bald.
shampoo.
undiscovered.
hard.
split.
vitality.
kickboxing.
armstrong.
satellite.
come.
yawn.
fellow.
negativity.
shun.
ultimate.
numbers.
figure.
watch.
baptize.
intricate.
stub.
zap.
splinter.
reproduce.
skeptical.
interesting.
believe.
lizard.
ballet.
thunder.
thick.
walrus.
quicksand.
indigo.
telephone.
end.
crape.
escaped.
hideaway.
underneath.
lamppost.
hey.
vibe.
moose.
sherlock.
prose.
quaint.
blue.
lick.
rerun.
illicit.
fatal.
wicked.
obscure.
final.
shutter.
gone.
sounded.
winery.
battle.
heart.
known.
proposition.
loyal.
fatigue.
hung.
dread.
jump.
flying.
one.
two.
three.
memorize.
freezing.
lay.
stop.
umbrella.
noise.
television.
thrown.
messy.
remember.
just.

our lives are lace

made of looping, twisting thread,
we are knitted patterns
carefully planned.
the details rarely seen
are created all by hand.

oh, what is this.

so intense, these fences in my head. keeping thoughts unwanted in and keeping out what i've been missing. oh, how the chain link wraps around the parking lot, the tired ground. neon signs illuminating that there are no vacant rooms remaining in this Motel 6 of a brain. all my theories, feelings, views are reruns in the news, and i can't seem to change the channel. i've lost the remote, so these notions keep on going, rolling round and round. my dreams go up and down, in and out of memories. of felonies commited against my life, which is still yours by the way. which way, which way is there to go? no direction makes sense when all i want is fun. if only i could have one: fun or fair. either is better than what i've chosen, this lonesome lie that i'm doing just fine on my own. you don't own me, i've been told. yet you bought me, i know. but anyway, i'll leave it here, my mess of words for all to hear and i—i think i'm going to jump over the chain link fence now, and escape this place that i've come to somehow.

color & life

a flash of color,
a new life starts.
my heart moves fast now
underneath the stars
as i sit here wondering
how this came to be
and how you're changing me.
crazy to think how blind i once was,
crazy to know now your life is enough,
enough to keep me breathing deeply in and softly out.
my doubts of you are gone and i think i'm quite ready now.
ready to jump off this cliff of fear and face your truth.
im ready to be free of these chains i hold on to.
here i go
into life,
into colors bright.

in & out

you've come in and turned out to be the one who's teaching me how to learn. oh, how truth burns. and oh, how it hurts. some might say I deserve much worse than this; some might say I deserve forgiveness. but you—you say I am chosen and I am loved, not because of what I have or haven't done, but because I am yours.

you've rushed in and cast out the darkness I once thought was light. oh, what truth reveals. and oh, how it heals. some might say I've lost the race; some might say I've earned my place. but you—you say I am standing here in your grace, not because of who I can or cannot be, but because I am yours.

a said mess.

When heart breaks turn in to headaches
and the "learning how to cope" becomes, well...
somewhat of a joke, I must say how funny it is
that we hopelessly give reason upon reason
for maintaining a smile,
which feels more like treason than honesty.
but honestly, why must we keep on saying
"I'm fine" and insisting on dignifying our pride?
when all the while the aching, throbbing mess
of what's deep in our chests is kept buried
like treasure so no one can see
that we are beautiful even if we're broken
and have no idea how to open up our hearts
to be healed and redeemed.
We long to feel loved, to be free...
so let's take the risk of losing our stilts
for the chance to fall into the abyss of truth
where hopes are revived and peace is restored.
Oh, what more could we want
than to know we are loved
not because of obligation or chore, but simply
because we are wanted and chosen.
And there is no good deed, nor bad thought
that could ever tear or rot that love—
that wood-bearing love that carries me.

What I Am.

I'm a thinker who feels that thinking is sometimes overrated; and one who always has to rethink what I'm feeling about my thoughts. I'm a dreamer who knows that the best dreams often come when I'm wide awake. I'm a lover who hates the broken cycle of love, yet cannot deny the reality of love—it's a mess, and we're bound to fall for it, get caught up in it, be broken by and taught by it, and in the end... restored by it. I'm a follower who leads quietly, unaware that I, myself, am being followed. I'm a listener who speaks only when silence seems to be the worst option; I only wish my mouth could more easily open in harmony with my heart. I'm an artist who can't help but capture, sing, dance, and write what's within my soul; though, it's more about processing life than performing live. In the end, I'm just a girl, a human being, a someone who is inhaling and exhaling every day thus far for reasons I'm not always sure of, yet am always thankful for.