four words.

Always.

There's always something to be scared of. I know it's wrong of me to fear, but sometimes I cannot escape my skin and let my brave soul take over. I believe I have the right to be wrong when I tell my ears I’m not okay. I trust my hope, but my shaking hands are clumsy and I tend to drop it. Each time, little pieces break off. I glue them back on, but I’m not sure my hope is the same as it was when I first found it.

Forever.

Even though it's been forever since I've been shaking under covers trying to hide from monsters under the bed... I'm still hiding. Even though there's nothing to be scared of. I can feel the weight of my calamity piling up in my chest; it hurts. But it’s okay. It will pass, as all things do.

Trouble.

I'm always trying to forget about the trouble that chases me. but I run out of breath too quickly—too often; I need rest. Some nights I think long and hard about what dreams I would like to have. But I wake up unsatisfied with the meaningless blurs of stories I’ve just awoken from.

Bottle.

I often put my dreams in a bottle and throw them out into the sea… only to have them wash up at my feet again. I can feel the weight of my decisions rush over me as I bend down to pick up the empty glass bottle. I realize I have been here before, so why do I keep coming back after all that has happened? Honestly, I’m not sure. 

as usual.

I DON'T CARE!

no, Jessie... you do care.

Silence screams in my face

as windows shatter

within me

cutting into my

limbs

bones

muscles

and pattern begins to erase me

and laugh in my face

as i fall again

back into sameness

back into apathy

back into salt water

streaming from my eyes

mocking me

burning me

drowning me

but i wonder if this time i am changed

am i new? am i different somehow?

arguments arise from this

yet not a word comes out

and i sit here questioning how i got here

and why i care

(all the while knowing i'm okay with who i am)

pretty sure

what is love anyway? and what is life? who are you and who am i? the way you sigh makes me wonder if we're really living or if we're merely alive. given that i will always be a child, i can't tell if i've grown or not; i think i have though. yeah, i'm pretty sure i have.

what is gravity anyway? and what is time? who were you and who was i? the way you cry makes me question whether or not we tried hard enough and if we're really fine. given that i will never be a child, i can't tell if i've learned anything of value or not; i think i have though. yeah, i'm pretty sure i have.

what is freedom anyway? and what is truth? i am me, but who are you? the way we move about restlessly makes me feel as though we are waiting for something already in our hands or searching for something found long ago. given that we will never understand everything, i can't tell you if we will be okay or not; i think we'll be okay though. yeah, i'm pretty sure we will be.

tonight i was honest

trust is still broken and anger still stirs...

but tonight i was honest.

tears will come and pain will come...

but tonight i was honest.

i'm still afraid and i have little control, 

but i do have some control... 

and tonight i was honest.

i am who i've been trying to be for the past three years...

and tonight...

tonight i was honest.

undying nonsense

rush, fool! against my soul. should i lie here? nobody knows, but we're up to no good, and yet you stand—you stare—i wait—we want the unknown. but it's more than they can handle. who's "we"? certainly not me. are you? of course it's you; you gave way to foul play of youth while jumping tall down the window pane. (i pain them without gain's name.) do or live, but with no havoc! i call to you... cheering for silent nights—holy nights. right hands go first, deep, down beneath it all in tides rising up penetrating vast, bright, sinking blue. she knew the names of fairy tales but then the fiery tiles all along the walls broke and shattered with no regard for happy matters. outside the sidewalk welcomes my little bored feet as i go with a small will to gain my laborious feat. i would love to stay and chat up a book, but i honestly prefer to dream and speak in colors rather than spill words into thirsty ears and gorge my stomach with guilty pleas. but for now i give farewell to them, the unknown. to you, the window. and to me, the fool.

[victim]

tonight my victimizing myself ends. 

i will not be the target 

of my own self-pity. 

i will not fall silent to the world's screaming pressures.

unless silence is strength. then i will not speak a word.

i will trust myself.

i will stop picking out my faults 

and stop analyzing them, too.

i will love myself.

because i am loved.

by the one who is Love.

fragile.

dry eyes will come

before the sun rises and no one has to know.

what's inside; what we hide behind.

i'm tempted to cave in

to all my raging sin.

my spirit is strong, 

but my flesh is so fragile here.

i'm so fragile here.

peace of soul

today. i am truly who i want to be.

i am free i am found. honestly happy.

and no, not everything in my life is going the way i want it to.

but i am blessed nonetheless. and thankful.

i have peace. and not just peace of mind.

i have peace of soul. 

October 8, 2007

Was I just not aware before, or is there a new war within me? I thought I was getting over it, but it's back. I miss it. I want it back. But I know I can't. I just can't give in. 

No. I won't.

Everyone has a song. Everyone is living in their own music videos. Only, it's a secret. They keep all the things they want to say inside. But inside is screaming. Screaming so loud you can't even hear it.

So many people. So many stories.

And yet I know not one of them.

I don't want to write, and yet I am.

I'm scared and yet I press on.

So many things are out of my control,

but I just...

I want to feel like I have some sort of control.

Replace me.

Go ahead, do it.

Leave me.

Blurry—everything is blurry through my eyes.

I hold in the water though... the salty water in my tears.

I'm dehydrated. I need them.

And besides,

I can't give you my vulnerability.

Ask me to stop and I will.

Just hold out your arms so I can't pass through.

Tell me it's no use.

short & tangy

life, by no means, is short and sweet.

instead... i believe that life is short and tangy.

yes, tangy.

think about it.

and if you don't agree,

feel free to prove me wrong.

i dare you.

ramble.

fly work love be after never forget me and then there will be a greatness of you of me and everything is still and and and for now i say nothing but my fingers are screaming stop think breathe trust know free because for not to be is now i don't care noble wise weak strong strength for nothing will be lost but found and free and i want to stop writing now but i can't and i have to be here or else i'll never be there spaces too big be better i need life you need a life because of shadow and i'm left alone with nothing comic strip nightmare of everything you are not and i'm so confused but what is not confusing is how i got here stuck like this again same way it happened last time and the time before and the time before i watch carefully with wide eyes staring glaring never prepared for what's at hand my hands are empty reaching far into the night sky search for answers knowing the outcomes multiple choice is not an option i wish i were the only way to let go is to exhale i can't though and i won't i'm not strong enough and i'm just filling the space with empty words empty songs empty religion empty tears empty oceans empty noise empty unnecessary for i am one with two things me and him i hate it i want to jump out i want to reach down and pull out my soul my heart me i'm trapped within my own skin i don't appreciate being told what to do i hate not being the boss of me but at the same time having complete control i don't want to be hurt and i don't want to sound absurd it's easier just to hold it all inside and say goodbye to all the things that make me happy i speak with lies and see untruth i always want to find myself but can't imagine what it's like to believe without my selfishness i wish i could write something meaningful right now but nothing is making sense and i'm so frustrated because i can't even breathe without regretting something my life is a regret and rest and think awhile then breathe and want and live all the while i'm thinking how i should have spoken up or how i should have held my tongue i don't make sense so just deal with it it's okay i don't care but i still do care and want what i've wanted all along all alone just me by me by me and talking doesn't solve anything

Are You Pro-

life  choice   freedom  sacrifice  war  

justice  God  money  EQUALITY  success 

access  liberty  reality  taxes  apathy  

creativity  abuse  victory  silence

green  kindness cheap labor   

poverty  rebellion  integrity  evolution  

hollywood  world peace  yellow 

education  reputation  technology   

vegetarianism  discrimination  

stem cell research  prosperity   

RELIGION  jail  empathy  (red)  servitude 

marriage  forgiveness  curiosity  

learning  divorce  interpretation   

death penalty  directions  

borders  prostitution   pink  healing  

DEMOCRACY  marijuana  

devoutness  style questions  solitude   

hierarchy  legalism  fortitude   

truth  homosexuality  hypocrisy   

America  independence  theocracy  exile 

allegiance  revenge  love  ?

cut & i

(opening scene:

the heavy, gray clouds roll in as thunder announces a storm.

the fragrance of rain is close at hand, and all is still with anticipation.

i wait with excitement for the drops to start coming down.

the rain is my redemption, and i am devout.

the people are apprehensive.

many are apathetic.

no one is happy.

no one, that is... except for me.

i am strong and courageous and genuinely content.

i am ready.

i am ready to begin living for something other than me.)

i will sing with the rain, giving thanks for my every breath.

cut out my voice box

and i will dance in the rain, as it washes over my dehydrated body.

cut off my legs

and i will write about the rain, as i capture every detail down on paper.

cut off my hands

and i will listen to the rain as it pours down a melody onto the rooftops.

cut off my ears

and i will watch the rain sliding softly off the widows of the cars passing by.

cut out my eyes

and i will smell the sweet rain soaking into the driveways around me.

cut off my nose

and i will lie in the rain, feeling the cleansing drops fall onto my skin.

and when the rain turns to ice,

numbing and cutting through my pale blue skin,

i will dream with gratitude of the beauty i have witnessed.

hi my name is jessie. so what?

i write without thinking, and think without speaking.

i am human, it is true; imperfect and a fool.

i have a pulse. and my heart beats pretty regularly.

i am a student, but let's just say solving quadratic equations

isn't my cup of tea.

tea?

yes... tea.

i like to stare.

i like to dance and wear socks.

i'm not a hopeless romantic, 

so don't buy me roses

and expect me to fall in love with you.

please & thank you.

i trip over myself often and love to be the center of attention.

really?

yes... really.

i'm not good with names unless they are middle names.

i love middle names.

i love eating ice cream with little spoons

(it makes it last longer).

i think i believe i know what i'm talking about

when i tell people why i am the way i am.

that is, if i ever explained myself to people.

which i don't.

huh?

nevermind.

i feel i am getting off track 

and do not wish to bore you any longer with information about myself, which you will probably forget in about 23.56 minutes (approximately).

i would say goodbye, but quite frankly, i hate goodbyes.

especially when i don't even know who i'm saying goodbye to. 

so i will say hello instead.

hi my name is jessie and now you know

just how random i really am.

tonight

i breathe.

i listen.

i wait.